Well I have been gone for a while. It wasn’t on purpose. It just happened. I was burned out and over extended but now I feel grounded, focused and ready to begin again.
I have been running a reasonably successful yoga business and blogging since 2013. In 2020 everything changed and I unintentionally took an extended break from this blog. To understand how I ended up here we have to go back a few years.
In 2016 world events led to a decrease in tourism in St Lucia and that led to a decline in my business. In April 2017 I was diagnosed with cough variant allergy induced asthma and my quality of life as well as earning potential significantly declined at the same time my expenses increased. Jan 3 2020 I was fired from my “job” teaching yoga at a resort. You can hear that story in this YouTube video. I decided to use the time off to extract a wisdom tooth that promptly got infected and made me need bed rest. In March I decided to focus on my YouTube channel and my online content since we did not know when the world would return to normal. One year later and we still do not know when things will return to normal.
In June George Floyd was killed, protests erupted and business as normal just didn’t seem possible. I became more involved in online activism and really could not write anymore. At the time I was also writing for Contemporary Spinster (A women’s collective) and I gave that up too – ultimately that site was discontinued. I became active in a few different online communities and made a lot of friends online. June was also when I started the daily wellness stream in an effort to build a community and get monetized on YouTube. I was really struggling with asthma and coughing all the time but I kept pushing through it. Through the kindness of friends and strangers I was able to buy and air conditioning unit that helped with the asthma symptoms. I started the beauty crawls, launched a Patreon and so much more.
For some reason, my weirdness took over and I began to put unrealistic expectations on myself. I began to feel that if I asking for financial support from others I needed to show that I was working super hard and trying all the ways to make money. I was doing all the things: growth streams, playlist buddies, networking etc. Still I tried to do more.
Sometime around October someone said that it’s easier to start making money on Twitch than YouTube. So I looked up the requirements and thought easy enough, YouTube monetization is taking too long and I jumped in with both feet. I should have looked at the Twitch affiliate agreement and done proper research but I didn’t. I am strongly considering leaving the Twitch affiliate program.
Then In January I started a TikTok account t share my stories and joined Onlyfans. These two platforms and what was going on in my personal life finally broke me. I found TikTok as a platform was extremely prejudiced against marginalized communities and I just had not desire to make content promote Onlyfans. You see you must promote your Onlyfans on social media to draw traffic to it. That was too much for me. Seriously! I am one person and I was placing all this pressure on myself because the heteronormative cis white capitalist patriarchy made me think that I needed to be doing all the things to earn money otherwise I did not deserve to be asking for support online.
That is how I ended up tired, burned out and feeling like the world was not built for people like me and I didn’t deserve to be in it. It’s a sad place to be. A really sad place. I didn’t have the right equipment, skin color, voice etc to make it on these platforms. I have things I want to say but it seemed like no one wanted to hear it. At the least they did not want to hear it from me.
At the same time I was doing all this my personal life was seriously imploding, my medications were not working and I had no support. I went through a roller coaster on new meds, then withdrawal when I had to stop the meds due to side effects and I kept trying to put out content.
Eventually, I stopped doing all the things and took some time to just do nothing. I took some time to connect with myself and figure out what I really wanted. I discovered that I really want more than anything else is a tiny house in the forest with a small farm. I don’t want to be internet famous or make it big. I just want to be able to make enough money to buy food and medicine, help my mom pay bills and save enough to buy a van to create a mobile studio and one day have a house in the woods and a farm.
So what does it mean for my future on the internet? Here’s what I have decided:
Even though I enjoy the content I make on Twitch, for now I am going to take a break from it. I am going to stick to one video a week and one live stream on Youtube until I finish some projects that I have been working on. I also want to start writing one blog post a week as well. When I have finished these projects I will reevaluate and adjust For now I am done chasing algorithms. I am going to spend 20 hours a week on creating content and not a minute more. That includes networking, social media etc. I wish I could keep up with the schedule I made for myself but right now I can’t and that’s okay. I am going to find balance again.
I hope you will continue to support me in this journey. I share some of these thoughts in the video below.
How are you doing?